The wholesome “Christian” community known as the Westboro Baptist Church are planning demonstrations around San Francisco today. If I understand this correctly they are here to spread two messages:

1) God Hates Fags, and

2) God Hates Jews

I got to thinking about this, and really it just lead to a lot more questions and made me more confused.
If in fact God does hate certain groups, then I think it’s important to be pretty specific.
I have a lot of unanswered questions in regards to who is hated and who is exempt.

1) If God hates fags and God hates Jews, what about Jewish Fags? How does that work? Does God double Hate them? I’m not even sure you can hate 1 person twice. Can hate be quantified and assigned a numeric value or an exponent? What is their position on this? Does God hate Jewish fags squared  (GxJF=H²). The other possibility is that the 2 negatives make a positive, in other words Fag (negative) + Jew (negative) = forgiveness and redemption. If that is the case, I think it’s a little short sighted on God’s part. The wrath of God could simply be circumvented by all homosexuals converting to Judaism or vice versa.

2) By the term “Fags”, are they referring to all homosexuals or just gay men? I don’t mean to be divisive, but really I don’t think it’s fair that Gay men suffer eternal damnation while Lesbians can just do what ever the hell they please. Unless of course those lesbians happen to be Jewish. Again there is quite a bit of gray area here and I think if God is gonna hate certain groups, then God should at least have the decency to be fairly deliberate and clear about who’s included.

3) Is there a time frame on the fag thing?  What about teenagers who are sitting around thinking they might be gay? This happens a lot. Does that count? Say for instance for a week during your junior year in high school you thought you were gay, but later realized you were actually just an awkward outsider. Does that count? Does God also hate awkward outsiders?

4) If God hates Jews, does that mean he also hates bagels? If so, this one is a deal breaker. Seriously who doesn’t love a delicious bagel? Soft and chewy on the inside, slightly crisp on the outside with a schmear of cream cheese. What kind of a God would hate bagels?

5) What if you just have a Jewish name, but actually aren’t Jewish? There is some cause for alarm here. A clerical error could occur pretty easily. I once knew a God fearing Lutheran named Moishe …I guess his parents just like the name. Imagine God going over his list of who to hate, and there is the name Moishe. Which list do you think he’s gonna end up on? Therefore, God inadvertently hates Lutherans too. This is a mess.

6) If God hates Fags, and I like Fags, does God hate me? This is particularly troubling for “fag hags”. I was once friends with these 2 guys Greg and Tony. Tony HATED Greg, but I was cool with Greg. Eventually Tony said he couldn’t be friends with me if I was friends with Greg. If God is anything like Tony, I am screwed.

7) If God made everything, than God made both fags and Jews. Are we to believe that God hates his own creations? I could understand this. I designed a logo last week, and while I DID create it, I really HATE it. The difference here is I am a mere mortal, I AM NOT DIVINE!!!!! Should I believe that GOD the Almighty is as mediocre a designer as me? And for that matter, if you’re going to worship a mediocre designer explore your options. A faculty meeting at Art Academy would provide you with a wide array of choices.

8 ) Straight cross dressers? Does God hate them or not? Yes, they wear womens clothing, but they also love knockin boots with the ladies. I could see God going either way on this, so I’d like some clarity.

9) Does God hate Celine Dion? If God is cool with Celine Dion than he has no business getting all upitty with Fags and Jews. Westboro Baptist church has not responded to any of my email regarding the status of Celine Dion. I think they realize their answer is a potential “game changer”

10) Westboro Baptist Church say they are Christians, who worship Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ is the king of the Jews. Why do they worship the king of a hated people? This makes NO sense. Personally, I LOVE Burger King, but that is precisely because I love burgers. If I hated burgers I would not love the Burger “KING”, know what I mean?

  1. Stephanie said:

    I love you so much. You make me feel so much better after reading the crap on their awful website. Thanks for the smiles after such hate. You’re wonderful!

  2. Sam said:

    This is awesome.

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